There are no Peas in Vegetables

imagesThere are no peas in vegetable.

On a daily basis I have forgotten my complete and utter hatred of peas. Yes, peas, the vegetable, not the letter. My friend Chuck sent me a picture of a cookout he went to and there in the middle of all the food were peas. Hundreds, but it looked like thousands of

them. So with my fear of peas and after seeing all of them I then had that recurring dream that I always had as a kid when my Mom made me eat peas. My mom used to make a typical Italian dish. Macaroni and peas. Well, typical as far as my mom was concerned. I used to swallow both the macaroni and the peas whole. You can read all about my dysfunctional digestive system in another blog I’ve written called, “My cousin Sal Minella.”

I told Chuck I have pea nightmares. “Like you wet the bed?” I said no. Peas not Pees. “Oh,” he said, “what, like huge ones rolling down a hill as in Indiana Jones?” I said “No, like little ones shooting out my butt. Visualize a butt loaded automatic BB gun with soft brown pea pellets.” These dreams got so bad at one point I used to check my bed every morning to see if something snuck out.

“Chuck sent back his one word response “Visualized.” Haven’t talked to him since. I laughed hysterically and sent back a Hahahahaha. I would have used LOL but I think that lol is stupid. Now, don’t get me wrong, when I say it’s stupid I don’t mean stupid and people shouldn’t do it. I mean stupid where I think I’m stupid to myself for doing it. Or, like the air quotation marks with fingers, which is not only stupid but really stupid and not just for the person who does it but for everyone else who has to witness it.

I came up with a great answer to the Finger Quotation People or FQP’s as I like to call them. I do the Question mark. My fist is the dot and I curve my arm like a swans neck. Voilà, instant question mark. You should see what FQP’s look like when you Question their Quotations. I’ve named it a Two Arm Question Mark or TAQM. I also invented the exclamation point using a straight arm and fist as dot, SAFDEP or straight arm fist dot exclamation point. There’s also the always favorite X marks the spot. Two arms crossed. Used when someone has found me. I tried to do a dollar sign but I really screwed up my back.

I totally digress. Anyway ,my fear of peas stems back to a time when I was ordered to eat. Very prison-like. Not only was I told when to eat but how to eat, how much to eat, and what to eat. Tuesday nights I would swallow the whole dish set rather than have the insides of those mushy peas explode in my mouth with that mushy foul-tasting pea paste.

I think I was nutritionally abused as a kid. Nowadays I could have my parents arrested. You know lots of children were scarred as a result of food abuse in the home. I had a friend who thought a broccoli stem was out to get him. It’s amazing what we carry around with us from our childhood into our adult life. Me, I carry peas.

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Share on StumbleUponEmail this to someone